The famous Mathias blog

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spike
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The famous Mathias blog

Post by spike » Thu Apr 30, 2015 6:03 pm

Because the adventures of the strong silent Mathias deserve a wider audience I will bring the odd one over to this forum.

The Old Bowls Codger is back home in the pensioner bungalow after a trip to sunny Llandudno to watch Captain Beggers Veterans team.
Billie Bun fresh from his early morning stint baking batches of Cottage Loaves, Rasps and Cobs offered to act as chauffeur. So in the afternoon sunshine with The Great Orm and the Clog Man in tow, we set off for North Wales premier holiday destination..But on reaching Menai, the Great Orm was mentally numb after discussing last weeks bowling exploits and demanded a far more intellectual topic to discuss. So how we arrived at last night's BBC4 documentary on the life of Heinrich Himmler and the incarceration of his Nazi compatriot Rudolf Hess in Spandau Prison in Berlin is beyond me. But instead of acting as instant sleep therapy for the Codger and Billie Bun ( not ideal as he was our driver ), the topic did surprisingly invoke some interest as the Great Orm and Clogsy's elder brother had acted as National Service quards when Hess was the sole prisoner at Spandau during the post war years.
The Codger also added his pearl of wisdom to the debate in that the name of the 70's new wave Spandau Ballet rock band was derived from the way the Nazi war criminals danced on the end of the rope after their executions in Spandau Prison. A fact the Great Orm was a bit dubious of accepting.
Anyway that was the highlight of the afternoon with the Veterans team suffering a crushing defeat. Wins for Immaculately Dressed Dave and Potteries Pat but bad losses for the Clog Man, Twinkle Toes Thommo, Captain Beggers, the oldest swinger in Llangoed Robin Minffordd and the doubles team of Billie Bun and the Great Orm. One highlight was the impromptu visit of Captain Beggers wife Regal Rena sporting a very nifty new hair do.Her morning session on the X ray table at the Llandudno General had not gone to well as her refussal to remove her jewellery and bling had resulted a number of confused diagnosis by her consultant.
The trip home was somewhat quiet with Himmler and Hess buried back into the history books. But it was obvious that Captain Beggers would have willingly despatched Billie Bun, the Great Orm and Clogsy to the depths of Spandau Prison after their very sorry bowling performances.
Mike Ormond

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Re: The famous Mathias blog

Post by spike » Thu May 07, 2015 8:02 am

The Old Bowls Codger didn't make it down to the Happy Valley Nou Camp last night for the seasons Wednesday Night League opener between the Cockle Towns A and B teams. Well the weather was cold, the dropped left foot had been an all day throbbing left foot and oh yea there was a better match to watch at the Barcelona Nou Camp between Barca and Bayern.

But at 12 30 the Codger has been forced out of the marital bed as Nurse Debra s impersonation of an African Marsh Bullfrog trying to attract a mate from a distance of half a mile away ( yes her snoring ) has resulted in the Codger seeking solace on his favourite settee.

A quick check on the Great Orms bowling website showed that Thommo's A team had won 7 3. Not the best of starts for Thommo in his tenth year as captain. Expected wins for the Clog Man against Bobbi Dazzler, Thommo against the art worlds favourite model Sheila ( Keeler ) Graham, and Beautiful Legs Timmy against Martin the Sheepdog Trialist, were quickly followed by easy wins by Prince Charming Harris, the Great Orm and Michelin Man Gwyn. Also wonderful to see our old friend Selectrical 's Number 1 Sparkey and past Adonis of the bowling club Hefin Jones getting a welcome comeback win.

However the defeats were tough to take with Happy Harris continuing his miserable bowling week going down 21 20 to Big Al. Big Al had been the subject of a last minute deadline day transfer deal to the A team but captain Thommo ( or should I say Scrooge from Dicken's Christmas Carol ) refused to go over the fiver he had brought out with him. Well played Al and don't worry Happy form is temporary but class is permanent. Shock defeat also for Thommo 's only winter signing from the Llanfair Pringlers, Big Stu who went down 21 17 to Tricky Trev. Finally it was sad to see Beggers going down to the oldest 83 year old swinger in Llangoed Robin Minffordd 21 9.

Anyway it's a big day for David and Ed today and with the clock heading for 1 15, the Codger has to decide whether to stay snug on the couch or head back to the marital bed. There appears to be silence from the bedroom which either indicates that Nurse Debra s snoring has given up on attracting a mate or that she has managed to elongate her tongue and snap up a couple of juicy moths to quieten her larynx. Decisions decisions. Goodnight all and Come on Labour.
Mike Ormond

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Re: The famous Mathias blog

Post by spike » Sun May 10, 2015 6:12 pm

With the Old Bowls Codger having suffered a night of intolerable pain with his throbbing left foot, he decided not to travel to Kimnel Bay to support Tricky Trev's B team. Instead he went down to the Happy Valley Nou Camp to watch the A team playing the team from the posh end of Colwyn Bay, namely Rhos Park. In the early 00,s this was generally the match between the top two teams in the division. But unfortunately age hasn't served the Cocklers well and these days a home win is never guaranteed.
The first four blocks did however raise the Cocklers hopes with wins for Sea Captain Bailey against Fizz who couldn't quite " Make His Mind Up " on how to scuttle the Sea Captain. Big Al full of confidence after beating Happy Harris in a local league last Wednesday, was again on form and secured a good win against the one time star of Wish You Were Here, Andy Bray ( mind you I always preferred Judith Chalmers myself ). By now Prince Charming Harris was back in the pavilion after a win against Emyr' s little baby John. Sadly Kev the Plumber again didn't get his fair share of luck going down to baby faced Whitely.
So 3 1 to the Cocklers but worse was to follow. Slats was quickly on his favourite diagonal mark and was soon shaking hands with Big Stu after a comfortable win. Beautiful Legs Timmy was also quickly out of the blocks going 5 0 up against the Law Man ( mind you don't think Steve would give anyone confidence wearing a silver star and packing a couple of Colt 45's ), but unfortunately for Timmy, the Law Man was soon knocking him dead with his woods and recorded another win for the Posh. The Great Orm was also in trouble and was soon. 9 0 down to Ivor the Engine but even though he did recover somewhat the ex Welsh two time champion was railroading his way to another win for the Posh.Last of middle four saw the Clog Man losing to ex Z Cars driver PC Wilson. So the Cocklers were now 5 3 down.
Last two blocks of the Posh saw the glamour girls of the team taking the green ( but unfortunately not in their Bunny Girl outfits ). Glyn Puds better half Janet was playing Happy Harris and with Happy's confidence and head at a low ebb, another win for the Posh was on the cards. But Happy was soon playing like his alter ego Elmer Fudd and was soon singing " I'm gonna get dat Janet " and came in with a welcome win for the Cocklers. Last jack saw I've just come home from Barbados Derek against Will Hunters star Julie. Beggars had only this week been telling the Codger that in her teens Julie, some thirty years ago, used to play for Abergele and used to turn a few heads by wearing her Emma Peel black cat suit. But unfortunately for Julie there was not going to be an Avengers reply for her today with Derek gaining a good close game win.
So matches were even 5 5 but the Posh swung the aggregate in their favour and secured 7 5 win.
Mike Ormond

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Re: The famous Mathias blog

Post by newshound » Wed May 13, 2015 6:44 am

Superb old borat :(
The Real Conwy N Jones

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Re: The famous Mathias blog

Post by spike » Wed May 13, 2015 4:07 pm

The Old Bowls Codger is pleased to report that it has been a good bowling day for the Cocklers Veterans A team and the Super League team.
This afternoon the Codger cadged a lift from four score in age and still got my own hair Derek Stanley to watch Captain Beggers' team playing the Conwy Castlemen. Mind you Derek s little Ford Fiesta was not ideal transport for the leggy Great Orm who had to suffer a harrowing journey squashed into the back seat with his knees tucked up against his face. The fact that the Codger had claimed the spacious front seat due to his on going new hip disabilities didn't seem to get any sympathy from the Orm.
With Catain Beggers demanding an improvement on last weeks home defeat, he had already made team changes with bushy haired Derek coming in for Billie Bun who had been left at home kneading the dough at the bakery.
First three blocks saw Immaculately Dressed Dave taking on home favourite since the 1950's Boom Boom Paton. A cracking match saw Dave give up a 15 6 lead and his composure in a gale force wind, before squeezing home with a 21 19 win. The new doubles pairing of The Great Orm and Two New Knees Caughter got off to a cracking start and went on to record a comfortable win. Sadly the Clog Man maintained his bad run of form and lost to Eric De Camps ( name sounds as if he should be on Strictly dance floor and not on the bowling green )
Last four saw wins for Potteries Pat, Twinkle Toes Thommo and Bushy Haired Derek. But sadly Captain Beggers suffered yet another defeat to Mickey Thomas ( no not the footballer ) and must surely be a candidate for the axe by his own hand next week.
So it was a happy Ford Fiesta run home with the Cocklers winning 7 2. The Great Orm was also in a better mood as his legs were now draped round the drivers head. He was also looking forward to a night out with his wife and birthday girl Sexy Shorts Pat. Although I am sure the shorts will have been ditched for something more alluringly fetching for the occasion.Happy birthday from all the bowlers Sexy Shorts.
The strain of a long day away from the pensioner bungalow took its toll on the Codger tonight and as such he decided to spend the night at home with Nurse Debra after her day thrashing the hoover and flaying the duster and polish around the bungalow in readiness for a visit from old work colleague Pringle Jen tomorrow. So progress reports from the Happy Valley Nou Camp for the Cocklers match against the 2014 Super League Champions Esclusham, came via phone calls from Prince Charming Harris who was himself on baby sitting duties back home but had a hot line to Happy Harris at the green.
And what a result for Captain Happy Harris team. Great first four wins for Sea Captain Bailey, Little John and Big Elf ( who was making his home debut for the Cocklers after being granted an on loan transfer from the Llanfair Pringlers ).But sadly Big Al couldn't maintain Saturday's form and recorded a loss for the Cocklers. The 2014 Champions were clearly rattled and started to berate the condition of the Nou Camp green. But the defeats kept on coming with wins for Big Stu and Happy Harris. Also good wins for another couple of ex Pringlers via Desperate Dan Booth and Dylan the Baby Faced Bowling Assassin.
So great 9 1 home win for Happy Harris Super League team and with another rearranged home game against Cuncliffe on this coming Thursday a chance to see the Cocklers move away from the relegation zone.
Mike Ormond

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Re: The famous Mathias blog

Post by newshound » Thu May 14, 2015 4:17 pm

couldnt have been in that much discomfort mike as your knees pressed up against your chin would have been well padded by your adornment of facial hair
The Real Conwy N Jones

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Re: The famous Mathias blog

Post by LLANGAFF » Thu May 14, 2015 4:22 pm

As come on Poet Laureate, give him a bit of sympathy, he is pushing 80 and did begrudgingly give up the seat for me.

spike
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Re: The famous Mathias blog

Post by spike » Mon May 18, 2015 7:42 am

The Old Bowls Codger would like to wish a very special lady a very Happy 50th Birthday for Sunday 17th May.
She and her long term friend ? boyfriend ? partner ? have been central to the bowls fraternity not only in Anglesey but also Gwynedd and North Wales for as many years as I can remember. She has worked tirelessly not only for her local bowling clubs ( Llanfair PG and Menai Bridge ) but also the Wales Ladies Team and would certainly deserve Damehood for services to bowls if ever a honour was to be bestowed by Queen Liz.
But anyway to the Queen of Dulex ( she works in a paint shop for the uninitiated ) Olwen Edwards a very Happy 50th Birthday for tomorrow from the Old Bowls Codger and Nurse Debra xxx.
ps We are all hoping your Prince of the Sherry's will at last get down on his knees and bring out that little sparkler from its box ( no Happy Harris the ring I mean !!!! ) and makes an honest woman of you. We all love a good wedding.
Mike Ormond

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Re: The famous Mathias blog

Post by spike » Mon May 18, 2015 7:47 am

Well it's been a long and tiring weekend for the Old Bowls Codger and he has retired to bed early with his pain killers and now obligatory Senokot tablets,whilst Nurse Debra settles down to another brain numbing session of Big Brother.
With all that are who's who of crown green bowling taking part in yesterday's Welsh Senior Merit qualifiers across North Wales, the Codger went down to.support Tricky Trevs Saturday B team in their rearranged match against Rhyl at the Happy Valley Nou Camp.. A comfortable 10 2 win for the Cocklers B team was clearly pleasing for Tricky Trev, the current President of the Welsh Crown Green. But Trevi was clearly perturbed born out by his fidgety fingers running through his Rooney style hair makeover, as the choice of green for the 2015 Senior Merit Final was causing him some consternation. The Nou Camp, his number one choice appeared to be a no goer due to poor condition of the green and especially when we heard later that Dylan the Baby Faced Bowls Assassin had qualifed ( now a home greener ). With PG an Benllech also ruled, we will have to wait till next Sunday for the venue to be announced. Nice to see that past champions Sylvester Stallone, Night John Boy, Speed Cop Riley, Ivor the Engine and possibly the Hayman ( am sure he is a past champion )have made the final 32.
Today the Codger had a lift from Derek ( four score and still.got my own hair ) Stanley to Holyhead for the home leg of the Federation match between Mon Menai and Airedale B ( really Guisley area of Leeds )
Cracking match saw the homesters winning 7 5 in games and plus 19 on the aggregate. Good wins for Sea Captain Bailey, The Big Elf, Prince Charming Harris, Smiley Smiley Williams, Eiddon Jones ( sorry can't figure a funny nickname ) Piers 007 Williams and finally Glyn Squeak. I must compliment Glyn for once again putting age behind him to record an admirable win especially as over the last few months he has had to carry the burden of caring for beloved wife Maisie and as such had to.leave the green immediately after his win. My thoughts are with you Glyno.
Away at Rufford BC the away team also did well drawing the games 6 6 but losing the aggregate by 3 points. Good wins by captain Desperate Dan Booth, Super Heavyweight Dion, Dylan the Baby Faced Bowls Assassin, Big Stu, The Stanley Boy and Happy Harris. Unfortunately Rich the Prince of Sherrys couldn't deliver a win for his beloved birthday girl Olwen going down 21 20 after being 20 10 up Think the expectant birthday present from Oli tonight put to much pressure on his game. So overall 19 13 win for Mon Menai.
Big thanks to John Glyn for being chief organiser, Holyhead Bowling Club and especially Brenda our ever young refreshments provider and the Stanley Arms for the nosh, although the Old Bowls Codger s request for a cheese burger without the cheese went unheeded. So two wins out of two for Mon Menai, well played lads. y
Mike Ormond

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Re: The famous Mathias blog

Post by LLANGAFF » Mon May 18, 2015 11:50 am

Sorry forgot Rodger the Codger is also a past champion. And how could I forget cos he beat me in the final. Sorry Roger.

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